Tag Archives: Books

8 Weird Pride and Prejudice Things You Can Buy

26 May

I don’t know if you are aware but Pride and Prejudice is pretty popular, and its popularity has lead to a lot of merchandising.  I did a lot of scouring on Amazon and Etsy and most of the stuff I could find was actually pretty cool.  There are a lot of phone covers, posters, clothes, and other things with some real elegant designs.  However, there is also a lot of weird stuff out there too.

1) Jane Austen Bandages

Jane Austen BandagesYou can get these on amazon for $6.91 and free prime shipping!

2) Pride and Prejudice Gun Safe

Pride and Prejudice Gun Safe

This gun safe hidden in a copy of Pride and Prejudice is available on amazon for $29.99.  However if guns aren’t your thing you can buy thing Pride and Prejudice weed box instead.

Pride and Prejudice Weed Box 2

3) Pride and Prejudice Video Game

Matches and Matrimony Game

Take the starring role in Jane Austen’s most popular novels as you become one of the Bennet sisters in search of a husband. Will you pursue Mr. Bingley, whose good nature has already endeared him to your sister, or perhaps Mr. Darcy, the famous protagonist from Pride and Prejudice? The narrative of Matches & Matrimony comes from the combining of 3 different novels, allowing you to create new storylines from Miss Austen’s most famous works! As you play you, will pick your daily routine to improve your characteristics, and then select your own path through the intersecting stories. With 9 different endings to be discovered, Matches & Matrimony can be played again and again as you create your own tale of classic romance.

  • 9 Different endings!
  • Hours of replayability!
  • 6 suitors to pursue!
  • 3 Novels in one game!
  • Thoughtful and Provocative gameplay!

It’s available on PC and Mac for $6.99

 

4) Jane Austen Action Figure

Jane Austen Action Figure

The Jane Austen Action figure comes with her own Quill and copy of Pride and Prejudice! Available for $11.29 on amazon.

5) Longbourn Tea

Longbourn Tea

It’s not that I think that it is weird they made a Pride and Prejudice Tea, its that they made it Longbourn.  If you are going to name a tea after a house in Pride and Prejudice you got to name it after Pemberley, am I right?  Well this tea is available on Amazon for the cool price of $14.95.

6) Mrs. Darcy Baby Bib

Mrs. Darcy

When it is to early to dream about being a future Mrs. Darcy? I would say if you are still wearing diapers its a little too early.  This bib and various other “I Love Darcy” bibs are available on amazon for $9.99.

7) Pemberley Soy Candle

Pemberly Soy Candle

You can make your house smell like Pemberley, but I wouldn’t count on Mr. Darcy knocking on your door to insult and propose to you.  Available on Etsy for $10.00.

8) Jane Austen Toothpaste

Jane Austen Toothpaste

After I found the bandages I thought to myself surely it’s not going to get weirder than this.  I was wrong.  You can get your very own tube of Jane Austen toothpaste for $6.15 on Amazon.

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Fifty Shades of Pride (A Darcy Interlude)

16 Oct

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single respectable woman in possession of no fortune must be in want of a wealthy husband. It is not even slightly acknowledged, however, that some single women know how unlikely it is to find one.”

Before we can really talk about the amazingness that is this mash up of 50 Shades of Grey and Pride and Prejudice we have to talk about nerds for a minute.  Nerd has for a long time has been a negative connotation, when you thought of nerds you thought of tape on glass, pocket protector, calculator watch nerd classic.  It seems like it’s all ways been around and nerds have been getting swirlys in movies for as long as I can remember.

Being a nerd is actually cool now.  Ever since Al Gore lifted Mjölnir (Thor’s Hammer) and created the internet nerds have been connecting with each other and sharing their nerdom and celebrating it.

That being said there are still a few things which their level of nerdom is high and so ingrained that you will be ostracized in public by even fellow nerds if you mention them.  These things harken back to the olden days of nerd where there was a deep sense of shame and embarrassment about being  into the thing you were in to.  And fairly enough the two are divided pretty well across gender lines.  The first, which is generally attributed to guys, is table top gaming, aka dungeons and dragons.  There is no way around this, people will make fun of you to your face and there is simply no way you can ever talk about this without looking ridiculous.  The second, which is generally attributed to ladies, is fan fiction, aka creating original stories based on other people’s material.  You may not even be aware this is a thing but it is and there are hundreds and thousands of web pages devoted to this.  Lots of it is pretty innocent and simply stories about harry potter’s kids, or what happened after star wars.  But then there is a whole genre of erotic fan fiction where shit gets out of hand.  What would happen if Ron and Harry hooked up?  Google it, it’s out there.

PS: the male equivalent to writing erotic fan fiction is being like a Dexter serial killer.

And that brings us to the main event, Fifty Shades of Pride (A Mr. Darcy Interlude) By Anna Smith.

I was going to avoid trying to go through the massive amount of Pride and Prejudice fan fiction that is out there but when I saw that there was an erotic 50 Shades of Grey Pride and Prejudice mash up that was only 40 pages and free on amazon prime, I couldn’t say no.  First off I haven’t read 50 Shades of Grey so I have no idea how it fits into this story, but if it’s anything like how Pride and Prejudice fits in (none at all) then I’m not missing out.

It starts off sort of like real life Pride and Prejudice where out new heroine, Emily and her friend Charlotte? (I can’t remember the friend doesn’t show up again), is at a ball where she meets Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley.  Instead of her over hearing them talk about the women in attendance like in real life P&P Emily over hears Darcy and Bingley talking about some whores they plowed the night before.  Which I don’t think little girls who dream of Darcy being their dream man imagine him plowing a bunch of whores.  But after he talking about banging whores Emily over hears Darcy mention how he doesn’t want to dance with any women there and how they aren’t tolerable, just like in real life P&P.  Also there is another guy at the ball who wants to marry Emily named Dr. Samuelson who is super boring and no one likes and sounds exactly like Mr. Collins.  So like we literally are all Pride and Prejudice set up at this point with a few different names and Darcy fucking a bunch of whores.  Then we basically abandon all Pride and Prejudice connection from hear out.  Emily owns a hunting lodge which Darcy is going to stay at.  She was going to stay with her friend Mary while he’s there but all of a sudden her plans fall through with Mary and she has to stay at the hunting lodge.  It’s pretty big I guess since she just hides from Darcy and his friends that are hunting and pretends to be a serving girl.  Well one night she goes downstairs to get a book (her uncle has a lot of erotic books) and Darcy catches her.  She leaves but he knows she was going to read erotica so the bait is set.  Next night Emily is cold and goes by the fire downstairs and Darcy joins her and one thing leads to another and they go to pound town.  After that it’s just a series of her sneaking down stairs so her and Darcy can bone.   After a while Darcy has to leave and asks her to come with her on a trip (some more sex happens here as well).  Emily decides to cut her hair and pretend to be a boy so they can travel without cause a stir.  She does, they bone, and then they take a tour of Paris.  They just bone a lot here, blah, blah.  Then Darcy gets a letter about his sister being in trouble and has to leave at once (we are to assume this was the instance with Mr. Wickham from real life P&P.  Since the ball we have completely ignored real life P&P and just been boning).  Darcy asks her to wait for him as he takes care of this and Emily gets a letter that her uncle that left her the hunting lodge also forgot but left her a bunch of money so she can now live a lifestyle of traveling and such and not worry about money, the end.

So the book is really oddly paced.  At first it is straight up scene for scene playing out like real life Pride and Prejudice.  Even to the extend where Mr. Darcy makes some pride full comments that Emily overhears and that there is a Mr. Collins that wants to marry her.  They even retool the opening line from real life Pride and Prejudice.  But they drop all of that all most immediately once they get to the cabin and it’s just going to pound town.  We get a little more Pride and Prejudice at the end but it’s a pretty loose “interpretation”.  So I don’t read a lot of “romance” novels so I don’t know how these things typically go but our hero is completely inexperienced in sex and Mr. Darcy has to show her the ropes.  She starts out as a virgin and goes from kissing Darcy to boning in 4.5 seconds.  It seems like this is probably a common theme in romance novels because it doesn’t make any sense in relating to Pride and Prejudice.  Emily is portrayed as a strong black woman, figuratively speaking.  Her parents are dead (guess?) and she owns a house that she rents out and employs a lot of servants.  She has a lot of real life responsibility and doesn’t take shit (she breaks a vase on one of Darcy’s friends who tries to assault her).  However she is completely passive in her own sexuality in besides having read some erotica.  Mr. Darcy is basically in charge of her learning about all her own sexuality.  None of the other characters really matter in it, they show up but you have pretty much forgotten about them by the time the next boning session takes place.  One thing that stuck out to me was that the servants are still basically non-people just like in real life Pride and Prejudice.  We hear some about how Emily is poor (owns a working lodge and all, but still) and how she is going to have to run this lodge all her life and how sad that is.  Yet there are several people that live and work to run the place who we aren’t supposed to feel sorry for?

There are actually two Pride and Prejudice / 50 Shades of Grey fan fiction books in ebook format that you can read.  The other one probably isn’t good either so if you want to read one this is probably the one to get in that its short so at least you won’t waste a lot of time.  It’s been interesting reading someone fan fiction (erotic fan fic at that!) but I don’t really get the appeal.  It probably would have been a lot worse if there had not been the constant fucking.  I’ll try to review more Pride and Prejudice fan fiction but honestly there is just so damn much and it takes a lot time so I’m probably going to stay away from it.

Pride and Prejudice Book I: Pride Hard

25 Sep

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

This is the first sentence of Pride and Prejudice and at 10,460 highlights is the second most highlighted sentence of any book on kindle (in case you were wondering which I’m sure you were, the number one most highlighted sentence is from book two of the Hunger Games Series, Catching Fire, “Because sometimes things happen to people and they’re not equipped to deal with them”, has 17,784 highlights).  It is the kind of statement you would expect to find in a quirky handwriting framed on a wall on pinterest.  Right away it’s as if Jane Austen is saying, “guys you may consider sitting this one out because we are about to go balls deep in some serious girly girl territory”.  And thus begins our journey of Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

Book one of Pride and Prejudice includes chapters 1-23 and roughly ends on page 125 depending on which version of the book you are reading.  We are introduced to our cast of characters and the namesake central cases of both pride and prejudice occur.  The hero of our book is Miss Elizabeth Bennet who is the second eldest daughter of the Bennet family (consisting of five girls).  The book starts off in the town of Hertfordshire with the young bachelor Mr. Bingley moving into the nearby house of Netherfield.  Mrs. Bennet (Elizabeth’s Mother) is all about this news and more than a little excited to dump off one of her daughters to the highest bidder.  A ball is thrown and some prideful statements are made by the rich friend of Mr. Bingley and some prejudice begins to develop in our hero.  Elizabeth’s older sister Jane falls for Mr. Bingley and with some sneaky planning by her mother winds up spending a few days at Netherfield where their love begins to develop.  Their cousin stays for a lengthy visit in which he proposes and is shut down by Elizabeth.  Mr. Bingley throws a ball himself in which the entirety of the Bennet family makes an ass of themselves.  We meet Mr. Wickham who has a mysterious falling out with Elizabeth’s antagonist Mr. Darcy.  And finally Elizabeth’s cousin, Mr. Collins proposes to her best friend (the day after proposing to Elizabeth herself) and the two are engaged.  To wrap it up, as Elizabeth herself states in chapter 20, “Some ill shit has just gone down”.

If you are a new reader to Austen (or in my case someone who has read her work but it’s been a while) you are going to need to adjust to the speech of Pride and Prejudice pretty quickly.  This book was written in 1813 and we are in some stage 5 Downton Abbey shit.  All the insults and comments are going to be spoken in the most respectable fashion and the slightest of missteps can mean a world of punishment.  Class and caste are extremely important in this society and everyone knows their place and the place of those around them.  The speech and mannerism of the book so far are the greatest draw but I can see how they could also be the largest inhibitor to those not prepared.  The way that the ladies of Meryton speak to each other is truly an art.  Every word spoken is done so carefully to ensure that no disrespect is detected even when one is laying down insults to someone to their face.  The kind of precision you Dexter use as he cuts open a serial killer you see from the ladies as they put a bitch in her place.  In this day and age of real housewives flipping a table and screeching “fuck you bitch!” like a harpy straight out of hell, this subtleness and cleverness is very much a lost art.  If you can handle the floweriness of the speech and the arguments that occur having little actual weight you are going to enjoy the shit out of this book.

Only 23 chapters in (roughly a third) I am pretty bought in on the whole thing and there hasn’t even been a central conflict or story yet.  The closest thing I can think of off hand that it has compared to so far is reality tv shows, such as real housewives or keeping up with the Kardashians.  Now before you Jane Austen die hards with a vengeance burn me at the stake for equating classic literature with  the shittiest of what we as a human race have produced hear me out.  The Bennet’s are portrayed in this book as being “poor” when by any standard of today they would be considered upper upper middle class while their friends who they do consider rich would be considered by us to be super rich.  The problems and day to day activities by these people I can only assume were not shared by the vast majority of people of that time period and the “problems” that they run into are what we would call today as “white girl problems”.  That all being said what has made this book great so far is that it is super entertaining to see rich people be catty to each other and complain about shit!  There are entire TV channels dedicated to this very concept!

So I tried to generally discuss what has happened to this point in the book so far but there are some things that will need to be discussed in more depth.  First we reach the namesake part of the book in which our main antagonist Mr. Darcy makes his “pride” remarks.  While at the first ball in Meryton Mr. Darcy does not dance with any of the ladies.  This might have been excused but Elizabeth overhears him talking some shit about the ladies at the ball.  He states to Mr. Bingley (page 18) in regards to why is isn’t dancing,

I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with.

Mr. Bingley replies, “Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you [Elizabeth], who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you.

Darcy responds with, “She [Elizabeth] is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt ME; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me.

All of which Elizabeth hears (unknowingly to Mr. Darcy) and, understandably so, doesn’t leave a good first impression and begins her prejudice against Mr. Darcy.  Her true prejudice against Mr. Darcy occurs on page 78 when Mr. Wickham tells her about how Mr. Darcy’s father had intended to give him a healthy living and the after his death Mr. Darcy denied him this and kick him out on his ass.  Elizabeth believes his story since she all ready thinks of Darcy as an asshole and tells the whole town so then soon too think Darcy is an asshole.  These two exchanges (from what I can tell so far) are the main misunderstandings that lead to the bad blood between Darcy and Elizabeth that is the central theme of the book.

The other big event that happened in this section was the visit from the Bennet girls cousin, Mr. Collins.  I plan on having a whole post in which I will in better detail the greatness that is Mr. Collins but if we need to mention his dual proposals that take place.  The interactions with Mr. Collins bring to light some of the more interesting parts of 1800’s society England.  Mr. Collins has an Entail to the Bennet home of Longbourne, which means that because there is not a male heir for Mr. Bennet that once he dies the property will go to Mr. Collins.  This means that if he dies at sooner rather than later that Mrs. Bennet are all the unmarried daughters will be out on their ass.  It is assumed that Mr. Bennet doesn’t like this agreement but it seems to be some provision that is in the deed of the property and he can’t change it if he wanted to.  Mr. Collins feels guilty about this and wants to marry one of his cousins (first cousins at that!) in order to make up for it.  Mrs. Bennet is all about this plan and is will to marry off any if not all of her daughters in order to secure her living at the property.  Mr. Collins initially decides on Jane but on discovering she’s got the hots for Mr. Bingley goes for Elizabeth who he then is immediately in love with.  Elizabeth turns him down and the next day he proposes to her best friend Charlotte and the two become engaged.

This was an awesome and also at times strange part of the book.  Again I will go into it in more detail later, but the exchange between Elizabeth and Mr. Collins is awesome.  He is an idiot and it’s great to see the verbal gymnastics Elizabeth must take in order to turn him down in the nicest possible way.  It is also strange to see how things worked in the 1800’s.  Mr. Collins is basically part of Lady Catherine’s entourage and she is paying for his home and livelihood to just have him around as entertainment.  It’s really weird.  Mr. Collins mission in life is to basically keep in good favor with her so she will support him.  His whole mission of coming down to Longbourne to marry his cousin is started because Lady Catherine told him he should find a wife.  Because Lady Catherine said so he really has no choice and come hell or high water he has to come back to her engaged.  It seems like an awful way to live but again it shows that the actually rich in this book hold an immense power and people will respect them no matter how good or bad they are simply because they are rich.  It also comes up in the exchanges of this part of the book how the Bennet family is poor.  They have servants, the father is a lawyer, and they have what looks like a huge estate but are still some how poor in this society.  Its interesting and cool to see this weird different society and how it worked.

My impressions at the end of Book I are good.  At the very least I don’t think this whole process is going to be as painful as it would be if I wasn’t enjoying the book.  This is the first time I read it and was expecting I would enjoy it based of how I felt about the 2005 movie but you never know.  The main plot is going to be between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth.  I know what happens in general terms from seeing the movie, but going off of what I have read alone so far the main conflict / story hasn’t presented itself yet.  So far we have had a lot of exposition, catty girls, and gossip (which has been awesome) so I am looking forward to what happens in the meat of the book.  I have really like what I have read so far and look forward to what is going to happen in Book II.